Turning 50

Well, it had to happen...the day I really owned the fact that I will be turning 50 this November. I was at the company picnic this past Saturday and I sat down with a co-worker to shoot the breeze. She mentioned at one point that she was turning 50 in July. I said, "oh really? my husband is turning 50 in July also". Then I said, "and I am turning 50 in November...no wait, I'm not...I'm 48"...(crickets chirping as she stared at me). Dead silence. Then she said, "what year were you born?" I said "1959". She said, "then you, my dear, are turning 50 this year". You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was so embarrassed that I had once known that I was turning 50 and then FORGOT my age the next instant...like I was in a dream. She just laughed and teased me about my age denial. 

I think I know why this happened though. Last November I was in the middle of finishing school and my birthday was an afterthought for me and everyone else. I think we went to dinner...it's all a blur. So to me, it never happened and I've been 48 this whole year! So anyway, some borrowed reflections on hitting the halfway mark (if I'm lucky enough to live to 100) : To think, when one is no longer young, when one is not yet old, that one is no longer young, that one is not yet old, that is perhaps something. ~ Samuel Beckett Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life. Daniel Francois Esprit Auber I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry. ~ Alan Bleasdale She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years. ~ Anita Brookner You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. ~ Les Brown To me -- old age is always ten years older than I am. ~ Andre B. Buruch I'm aiming by the time I'm fifty to stop being an adolescent. ~ Wendy Cope At twenty you have many desires which hide the truth, but beyond forty there are only real and fragile truths --your abilities and your failings. ~ Gerard Depardieu One of the most important phases of maturing is that of growth from self-centering to an understanding relationship to others. A person is not mature until he has both an ability and a willingness to see himself as one among others and to do unto those others as he would have them do to him. ~ Harry A. Overstreet And one thought that I borrowed from Jewel, the singer..."in the end, only kindness matters". 

 I have always thought that I would just shrug off getting older, like it was inevitable and that I was logical enough to "handle it" (whatever that means). But when you are hit with the reality that your life is probably more than 1/2 over, it's a freak out. Finishing school and knowing that I will not be going back for any additional schooling, that I am starting a career that I will have for many years to come (again, if I'm lucky) is satisfying but also a weird feeling. Because up until now, I have always thought that I had another hurdle to jump. Having hurdles to jump feels right to me. I like the structure of a line of hurdles. There is no right or left, only forward over the jumps. We'll see how far I take this freak out. Maybe I'll buy a sports car and dye my hair blond. (No I won't, I promise).